intimacy

So i guess this is the transition post. I have been home from NY for something like 3 weeks now. And though i might still talk about NY and my experience there i don't think i'll be dropping anymore "NY posts." But i must say, it is great to be home! to live and die in L.A.!

don't cha wish your city was hot like mine?

Back to the point of this entry...
I have found the theme verse for this period of my life. Every once in awhile some concept or theme will stick out and be something I want to work towards or learn how to do. Kind of like in the Pursuit of Happiness where Will Smith’s character is like, “I call this part of my life…” The current chapter of my life is title “Intimacy.” I want to know God deeper than I have ever before. The passage I have found is Psalm 139. I actually stumbled across this because Kyle’s bible was left open to it and he had even highlighted some of the verses. This passage talks about being intimate with the Lord and it opens with the psalmist stating, “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.”

The verse that captured my attention, in particular, though was Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offend you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

I know that God knows me. He’s my creator, how could he not know everything about me. He’s been there my entire life. He was present in all my triumphs and all my defeats. Yet sometimes it’s easy for me to forget how well he really does indeed know me. I neglect how knowing me means being well-aware of all my flaws and all sins. Though I know, in spite of my failures (and I sure have had many), he wants to lift me up. It is not his desire for me to remain in my brokenness or to drift further away from him. He does not want me to be distanced from him, but instead is constantly trying to draw me in closer. He wants me to know him. But until I am able to let him into the depths of my heart, to allow him into the broken parts of my life and into the sin that keeps me away from him, I will forever be keeping him at bay.

I want to be intimate with the Lord, which is why I titled this chapter “intimacy.” For that to happen I must fully allow him into my life. I must be willing to have him expose the ugliest aspects of me. And then I need to be determined enough to stand up and deal with those issues instead of simply brushing them aside.

Therefore I say, search me O God, test me and know me. Show me where I need to change, that I may walk down the path of everlasting life.

californian asian

About halfway through the summer, the boys' room was getting kind of messy. And we kept talking about how we should vacuum it but we never did. So one night at dinner at a Senegalese restaurant, one of the girls from one of the church groups dared me to eat a fish eye. I'm like that's no big deal, i'll do it. But if i do you gotta vacuum my room. She's like sure. And i eat it. She never vacuums my room. But come on, like i was really gonna let her do that right? Uhh, sure. I actually try this stunt out again. And this boy seriously wanted to vacuum. He asked me like 3 different times but every time i was like it's alright, maybe another time. Until finally it was time for him to leave and then it was too late.

The church we stayed at had an indoor basketball gym. Naturally i spent a lot of time in there. Actually, that's not true. I should have spent a lot of time in there. But my ass is pretty lazy. Anyway, most of us hosts love basketball. In fact, when we introduce ourselves at orientation, we actually parade into the gym to bumpin music as if we were a legit basketball team. (we actually have a team name and warm-ups, but i'm not going into that here). All summer we tried to get youth groups to challenge us to games. But we were only able to muster up a handful. Finally, we get this one week, with some boys who begin trash talking there hosts saying all sorts of things. So it's finally game time. And we go out there and take out the trash basically. We handle it. Whoop on them. And send them downstairs to bed silent. Their youth pastor actually thanked me for beating them because they were getting out of hand with their trash talking haha.

So the next day they're begging us for a rematch. But i'm tired, and possibility sore from the night before, so i'm like no, i don't know about tonight. But aha! The brilliant plan comes to mind. I give them an offer. I'll play but if we win they have to clean my room, and then if they win i'd let them come up with whatever they wanted. They agree and i'm like sweet, i'm finally getting my room cleaned, especially since, you know, we whooped them the night before. But we lose some hosts, get some new ones, and in the end they catch on fire and go on something like a 5-2 run to win the game. I'm stunned.

I head to the showers to clean this game off of me. And soon a bunch of the boys from that church are in there talking about what they're gonna make me do. What follows was one of the funniest moments of my summer:

Boy 1: "Let's make him shave his legs or his head!"
Boy 2: "We can't shave his head, he's asian, they have nice hair."
Boy 3: "He's not asian, he's from california"
Everyone buy boy 3 starts laughing.
Boy 3: (to me) "Are you of asian decent?"
Me: "Naw, i'm californian"


Ridiculous. This brings back to mind other hilarious comments from this summer:

Mayonne: "I'm the sister you never knew you wanted"
Me: "I didn't know i wanted one of those"

This one's kind of bad... but i still find it hilarious, so forgive me...
As i'm walking through harlem with one of my groups, some guy we walk past exclaims, "Oh my god, it's snowing!"

angel of mine

Angel doing his thing

This is Angel. Seven days a week from 1-9pm Angel sets up shop at this intersection, a couple blocks away from our housing site, to sell candy. Whenever i was walking home i would always hope to see him there and i definitely took a number of my groups to buy candy from him. I don't wanna brag or anything, but i was probably his best advertiser.

Anyway, the hardest thing about leaving New York for me was leaving Angel. I had seen him working at his intersection a couple times before i finally went up to talk to him. It was kind of hard to understand him but something about him kept drawing me to him. So after that whenever i saw him out there i would make it a point to stop by and chat a little. He's 22 years old. Older than me, which made him laugh when he found that out. He's got two younger brothers. And he lives at home. He's been selling candy, from costco, at this intersection since he was 18. He hates selling candy. He doesn't like doing it but he needs money. This actually caught me off guard. Because every time i've seen him he's always smiled real big and been real friendly.

The last day i saw him before i came home i told him this was probably the last time i would see him before i left. He told me he was going to miss me. And that if i ever came back to NY that he would be there. He gave me a hug and thanked me for everything that i had done, and for all the candy i'd bought from him (though no more than $10 worth of candy i'm sure). I feel weird talking about this; i don't want to portray the idea that i think i made such a huge difference, but i know that Angel really loved me. And that when he told me he was going to miss me and when he thanked me for everything, that he was being completely sincere. Did i really do as much for him as he thanks me for? i doubt it. All i did was stop by with him every now and again. Yet i believe his sincerity.

After this summer i really believe that it takes so little for us to really make a difference. Add up the amount of time time i spent with Angel and it was probably less than an hour, a couple hours tops, yet look at his gratitude. Even with the youth groups that came in. There were so many times when i just didn't try, so many times i was tired, or that i felt like i wouldn't be able to connect with certain kids. Yet God was huge. Lives were change. Every time i got to hear one of my students tell me how this week had been life changing for them made my heart skip a beat. It also humbled me greatly. Because even when i didn't work to try and touch the lives of these kids, God did.

I'm going to miss Angel so much. By the end of the summer we were getting to know each other better. The last few conversations we had were so much fun. We shared about our lives and laughed together. I never got to do anything for him besides buying his candy. I invited him to one of our praise nights and to go get dinner but both times he said he couldn't because he had to work. Walking away from him was so hard because realistically i knew i would never get to see him again. Yet at the same time i also walk away feeling satisfied. Satisfied because i know that i truly tried to show him love and because he showed me that somehow through me he had indeed received the love he deserved. And though i still feel as if i hadn't done enough for him, i trust that though i am no longer there, God will continue to take care of this young man, doing more for him than i could ever know.

goodbye csm

As i sit here, with my bags all packed, the night before i leave, there's a lot of thoughts that are running through my head. There are actually other posts i have begun but have yet to finish, but i feel like this is most timely. It's been a good summer. CSM gave me the opportunity to come to a new city and to learn about it and to serve in it in a way i wouldn't have been able to under any other circumstance. For that i am extremely grateful. I was also presented with the opportunity with working with high schoolers and with the potential to teach them and to have an impact on their lives. And definitely when i think about some of my most memorable moments a lot of those interactions i had with some kids stand out. But in spite of all this, the thing i will probably miss the most, and the thing i will think of first when i talk about csm ny, is the other hosts.

It's been a long summer. A summer filled with excitement, both good and horrendous at times. And through it all i got to have 7 hosts, all strange and wonderful in their own right, by my side to experience this all with. So this is my goodbye to you hosts. You all have had an impact on my life and it was a pleasure serving with ya'll. Though there may have been times when i wanted to strangle you, and i'm sure i drove some of ya'll crazy as well, it was truly amazing to see how 8 strangers, picked to live in a house, could come together and have some life-changing experiences. I am truly going to miss you all.

Now then, are you all ready to meet your CSM hosts?!

At point guard, from Central Pennsylvania, standing 6 foot 2 and 9/16ths, LUKE JOHNSON:
The first time i met you you were reading. And you pretty much kept reading all summer. I've told you this a couple times already but the thing i admire the most about you is your devotion to learning. You were also probably the only host that tried to do ministry outside of csm and that was amazing to see. Your heart is in the right place and i know you're going to do great things in the inner-city. My favorite Luke-moment happened that one night after yogurt land, when we were making fun of how you tend to drift off into your own world during conversations and then you have no idea what's going on. Right after we made fun of you for that, you kinda just stared at us and was like, "Wait, what'd you say?" It was ridiculous.

SF, from Upstate New York, not to be confused with Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell (i don't even remember why i say this), KRISTEN ERBELDING:
As the only NY returner, we definitely relied on you for a lot. And you were always patient. The one thing that stands out to me about you is your willingness to talk. The greatest example of this was that one day after church when we were in the kitchen talking about spiritual warfare. One thing that i admire about you is that i can tell that you think before you speak. You don't just speak off the top of your head and what you have to share is always thought-out. Or at least it seems that way. Anyway, i have a lot of respect for what you have to say.

PF, from Fort Worth, Texas, 'Go big or go home!' LAUREN SHEPPARD:
I remember you said this about me once too, but when i first met you i thought there would be no way we could have much in common. You were from Texas and went to school in Oklahoma. Surprise surprise. Your love for yogurt makes me laugh. And the fact that you've never seen Star Wars is mind boggling to me. I still remember when we were painting at operation exodus, and i gave you that book on Darth Vader -- you were so fascinated by it. It was hilarious. The thing i admire the most about you is your love for your kids. This isn't a knock on the rest of us hosts, but i feel like you consistently put forth the most effort in trying to get to know your kids. Even when it's difficult. And i'm thinking about one in particular (the "we're gonna die" one). Also, your ability to remember names is astonishing.

Our 3rd string bench-warmer (by the way, it's pretty impressive that you made 3rd string when we only have 8 players), whose parents sponsor this team, from George Mason, TIFFANY CATRON:
I didn't really know what to think when i first met you. This girl from George Mason, with the purple rain boots. The one story that stands out to me is from the week with my favorite group when you were trying so hard to tell those girls about Jesus. You went from feeling like you had no idea what you were doing to being able to genuinely share your story and really showing Jesus' love to those kids. It seems like every worship night you always have your group in tears. Unfortunately i was unable to figure out how you did that, but it seems like you were doing a great job. And i love how you get coffee everywhere you go, even at serendipity.

Blazing a trail from somewhere in the pacific northwest, ERIC KNAPE:

Eric! Do you hear what i hear? Haha. Maybe this is just because this story is from yesterday, but my fav story about you is when the girls were asking me where you were and i told them to just keep screaming your name and that you would find them. Haha. I was dying... Anyway, I am currently writing this on your laptop, sitting across from you, as you sleep. The thing i admire the most about you is how you never let your frustrations take over. I know there were times when you were stressed or were just in bad situations, but you never let that dictate your life. It was also a pleasure leading all them worship nights with you. This last week when i had to choose the songs on my own it felt so weird and i kept wanting to call you. which i eventually did. But yes, it's been good.

From Guyana (honestly, I didn't even know where Guyana was until i met you -- i had to look it up on wikipedia)! Our water girl, MAYONNE THOMAS:
You are so weird. Half the time i don't know what to think about you. All the times you threatened to tell Susan on me with stories that you had made up. You crazy. It was pretty funny when you met Susan though. When i saw you guys across the street i was like, 'should i wait for them or should i just run and hide?' I waited. And you guys acted very mature in front of Susan. The thing that i admire about you the most is your high expectations for yourself. Though i will say this is also something you need to work on as well, for If you find you're not living up to your standards you tend to get down on yourself. Just do the best with what you can and God will do great things with it. After all that bickering all summer i guess you really are that sister i never knew i wanted. or the sister from the same fad-der. Seriously though, how would you say 'birthday?' I cannot for the life of me figure that one out.

Our Center, the biggest player in ALL of Michigan, KATIE BENNETT:
You're huge! I'll never forget our first week hosting together. It was such a great experience. How we complimented each other during debriefing sessions and how we made decisions (usually determined through a quick game of rock-paper-scissors) was so easy. It was a great first week. The thing that i admire the most about you is your love for people. You hate drama and you are all for conflict resolution. Which is kind of interesting cause i would have thought that a person like you would just try and avoid conflict altogether. But that one night that first week was excellent. You were a stud. I think the fact that you cried kind of broke everyone's anger and frustration. It made us re-recognize how we were here to support one another not to stress each other out or to make one another cry. You are seriously one of the most loving people i know. You always tried to check up on me and i thank you for that.

And the captain of this squad, the all-American, the MVP, my name's JOSH LO, i'm from L.A.!

Bring it in! CSM on 3. 1, 2, 3, CSM! Welcome to New York where we don't play!

I'm gonna miss you guys. And you should already know this but, you can always stand under my umbrella.

new york city relief bus

My favorite ministry site of the summer was the New York City Relief Bus. The reason i love this site is because it does a good job of allowing the students to both serve and to build relationships. Many times sites can focus on one in particular but it's pretty rare to find a place that is able to do both. I've only been to the Relief Bus maybe four times but all four of those were amazing times. This week our experience there was particularly amazing and i believe that God arranged divine appointments that day.

The first story is about a man named Jason. Literally 2 minutes after we got out on the street, before i was even assigned my job, Jason had already come up to our information booth. Jason lost his job awhile ago and had been doing drugs for the last 6 months of his life. Sometime that morning he had received a flier for the Relief Bus and when he saw it offered information on drug rehabilitation he decided it was time. He came to us and said he needed help. The Relief Bus staff begin calling up drug rehab centers but can't get a hold of any. Finally one answers but says that he would need to get there that day. Unfortunately there's no way to get Jason there so we were stuck. The Relief Bus staff was saying that unless we can physically bring Jason to the center he probably won't go, that people always say they want help or intend to change, but that things usually tend to happen that prevent them from making it all the way. Then one of our leaders, Chris, takes some of our girls over to a local church to use their bathroom. While there, Chris is talking to the pastor of the church, tells him about the Jason situation, and the pastor tells him that his son can drive Jason over. Jason then leaves the Relief Bus to go pick up the rest of his belongings. So Chris is now waiting around for Jason to return so that we can send him off to the rehab center. An hour and a half pass and Jason has yet to return. At this point Chris has given up and begins to do other things. He begins to wonder how Jason could pass up this opportunity to turn around his life. And then Jason finally returns. And now he's in a rehab center. Furthermore, at some point while they were trying to figure things out, Jason accepted Christ.

The second story is about a man named Martin. Martin was just passing by when he saw the white bus and something simply led him to the bus. Martin is an illegal immigrant and for some reason, i couldn't quite figure out exactly what had happened, he has been separated from his children. But because his children were born in the US and he wasn't he has no legal way of getting his children back. In addition, he has diabetes which has caused damage to his eyes, back and legs and is hereby unable to work. He had a court date to fight for his kids but missed it because his eyes were hurting. Our leader who was talking to him was Laura and afterwards Laura was commenting about how she's used to people telling her their problems but then that she always has some sort of advice to give them. But that when she encountered Martin, there was nothing she could say. The Relief Bus staff was calling all over and eventually said there was nothing they could do for him. Nothing short of a miracle would help this man. So they prayed for him. A couple minutes after they finish praying Martin gets a phone call from his case worker. Laura said she could hear the lady yelling at him for not calling her back. Martin explained that it was because his eyes were so bad he couldn't read her number in order to call. Finally at the end of the conversation, the case worker tells Martin that he can see his kids next week. Martin became ecstatic. He even began saying how his eyes were feeling better, how he had felt the hand of the Lord on his back, and how his back and feet were better as well. He said after this experience he was going to follow the Lord. The Relief Bus staff also put a bible in Martin's bag and when Martin found out about it he pulled it out and kissed it, saying it was the best gift he had ever receieved.

These two stories were crazy. When you think about it they really had nothing to do with us. We were simply fortunate enough to be at the right place and to have been able to be used by God in order for God to minister to two of his children. For Jason it was pretty crazy for him to receive a simply flier and to decide that he now wanted to turn his life around. And for Martin to have been drawn to the bus was interesting as well. The story with Martin is even crazier because he couldn't speak English. Laura had to translate for him the entire time. This is what really makes me believe these were divine appointments. Had we not had Spanish speakers, or individuals who could speak as well as the ones we had could, there was no way we would have had this experience. So not only did God drop two opportunities right in our laps, but he also ensured we had the tools necessary in order to help them. This was one truly amazing experience.

For more information on the bus visit www.nycr.org/

the people look like trees

Last year I left the Los Angeles Urban Project (the summer missions trip i did in South LA) with a couple questions. One of the biggest ones involved a healing story i experienced. See I have jumper's knee, or tendinitis in my knees, so if i work them a lot they hurt and begin to swell. This was especially bad in high school where i went through a period where i had to take pain killers just to even go to practice. My knees would swell up every day and i had to ice after everything. One day at LAUP, after going for a run my knees began to kill. Walking was hard and trying to go up stairs was impossible. So i asked a couple of my house-mates to pray for me. And indeed, afterwards it did get better. But the next day i woke up and they were still hurting. That day i kept praying for them and eventually the pain went away.

I believe God performed a miracle that day. Since that healing my knees have never been that bad again. I can exercise without icing and i hardly iced at all this past volleyball season nor did i take pain-killers which had become pretty routine at one point. Because of that dramatic difference in the state of my knees i know that something had changed that summer. But though my knees were ultimately healed, one thing i couldn't understand was why it took two days. Why it took one group praying with me one day and then me praying more the next. And the story that i kept thinking about was the healing of the blind man from Mark.

Mark 8:22-26 reads:
When they arrived at Bethsaida, some people brought a blind man to Jesus, and they begged him to touch and heal the man. Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village. Then, spitting on the man's eyes, he laid his hands on him and asked, "Can you see anything now?"
The man looked around. "Yes," he said, "I see people, but i can't see them very clearly. They look like trees walking around."
Then Jesus placed his hands over the man's eyes again. As the man stared intently, his sight was completely restored, and he could see everything clearly.


I could not understand this story at all. I had my theories for it but none of them made sense and as to how it spoke to the healing of my knees i was dumbfounded. This Sunday i heard a preaching of this story that finally makes sense to me about my experience.

The reason Jesus has to heal the man twice isn't because Jesus made a mistake or that his healing power wasn't sufficient enough the first time. Nor was it necessarily a lesson on the blind man's faith or the man's courageous to tell Jesus he made a mistake (as we had once discussed in Mark study). Jesus is showing us here how much we need to depend on him. He's showing us how the more we depend on him, and allow him to work on our lives, the more complete and healed we can become. In this sense it is sort of about the blind man's faith because the blind man does have to continue to allow Jesus to work. This is a reminder to us of how much we need Jesus.

We want to have control of our lives. I know i for one want control. I like being the master of my own destiny. Therefore if there's something i think i need to work on then i will work on it until i feel like i've mastered it. Take sports for example. In basketball i would work on skills until i mastered them. I would spend days breaking down my shooting form until i was satisfied, or working on my dribbling, left-handed dribbling, shooting with my left hand, crossovers, shooting threes, and so on. I would work on these individual skills until i felt like i was good enough at them to move on. I think a lot of times that attitude gets translated into the spiritual realm as well.

If i have a problem i will pray that God would give me the strength to move past it so that i can move on to other issues. I think this story is a reminder of how that's not always the case. There are issues we will periodically struggle with for possibly the rest of our lives. Some huge ones i can see this summer include learning how to be patient with people who annoy me, or how to work with/for people i don't respect. Just because we are able in one circumstance to finally learn how to have patience and love for an individual doesn't mean that we're cured of those issues. Others will come around that will challenge us and then we are back to having to lean on God.

This story tells us to be humble and to not think that we are insusceptible to issues we've dealt with before. It tells us to recognize that we must come to the Lord day by day asking for his power in our lives to overcome the issues we face.

Even with the healing of my knees, though they are noticeably better this year then ever before, there are still some days where they hurt real bad. And in those times i can do nothing better then to turn to God and ask for his healing. I don't know if my knees will ever be pain free, but i do know that God has the power to take that pain away. Our lives are a never ending journey towards becoming better then what we were the day before.

Again, to quote my verse of the summer, Ephesians 3:20,
Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.

All we need to do is to recognize our dependence on him and then to ask him to work in our lives.

more excitement at coney island

The day after our praise night experience we went back to Coney Island to serve at a ministry site there. A couple hours in our group was divided with about half of us upstairs in the mission helping out with various tasks and the other half downstairs either towards the entrance of the mission or outside on the street talking to people. Some guy was sleeping across the street and when he woke up apparently his wallet had been stolen. Dude was drunk and maybe worse and came over towards the mission thinking one of us had to have known what happened. Somewhere during his search he becomes angry and violent, entering our building and punches this old chinese man. Gives him a nice black eye. Soon after he hits one of my boys on the eye as well. I'm upstairs during all of this but my kids come over to tell me that my boy just got hit. This is when i hear that a chinese man had been hit as well. I run downstairs and i hear a lot of shouting. Everyone has heard what happened and the pastor has everybody come into the mission and locks the door. Outside the gate i see a man who i presume is mr violent. When i walk upstairs i notice one of my girls is crying. I find out the guy had hit her on the back of her head. I go check on my boy and he's got a little cut on his eye and it's bleeding. By now the mission leaders have already called the cops. A couple minutes later someone yells that the cops are here. We head downstairs and we see 6 cops handcuffing the dude. The cops ask to talk to our kids because they were assaulted.

The Chinese man, Mr. Wong, decides to press charges. And now the officers are asking us if our kids want to press charges as well. It seems like both our kids don't want to. And at first, my girl says no, that she doesn't. But the cops are basically like i don't understand why you wouldn't and start pressuring her to do so. We take a long time. We stall a ton. Finally it seems like we're about to just say no when another officer walks into our group and says "this isn't the first time he's done something like this." Immediately our boy says, okay i'll do it. And soon after the girl concedes as well. I don't think either decision would have necessarily been better than the other, like i would have supported them no matter what they chose to do. But the one thing i was saying was that i would only want to press charges if they wanted to. I don't know if that cop was telling the truth, my gut tells me he wasn't. But anyway, that's the clincher for our two kids. And we move forward with it. Later the CSM higher ups would tell us that we made the right decision.

As the whole thing was going down the leader of the group was downstairs with them. After the boy got hit he tried to step in. He tells me afterwards that he was sure he was going to get wailed on. The guy was pretty big too. I actually heard from one of the ministry leaders that apparently some guy had been downstairs yelling at mr violent things like, "Why don't you try and hit me if you're so tough." I conclude this had to have been my leader to i ask him about it. He tells me that the guy had started getting violent with him. That the guy had even taken a swing but had stopped for some reason. He told me he flinched hardcore when this happened. But then that some little bald guy came up next to him and was like, "you and me, we can take him!"

This was a crazy experience. Thank God none of the kids were seriously injured and that our leader was safe as well. The amazing thing about this group was that none of them were angry or looking for revenge. They all forgave the man and cared for him, which was why i don't think the kids or their leader wanted to press charges. After the incident both kids were right back trying to serve. They weren't harboring on what had happened and the didn't let it affect their day. Their attitudes were amazing. They looked past the physical violence they received from the man and looked into his heart. They loved the guy and wanted to care for him. I'm sure the only thing they would have wanted to do was to talk to the guy afterwards. The pastor at the ministry site was talking about how now these kids could boast like Paul did when Paul talked about the physical violence he endured for doing the Lord's work.

Afterwards, one of them would say that the experiences from this trip were worth getting hit. What a great attitude. To get hit by a stranger for no good reason and to still love him? Amazing. Only God could take a situation like this and turn it to further bless his people. Glory to God.

Team Danger Zone. (Seriously, it was the name, that's why we kept running into DANGER)

lord i'm amazed

The sun struggling to break free from behind the clouds

Every Wed night we have a praise night out on the beach at Coney Island with all of the groups that are here. So we have a time of worship, some testimonies, a time of teaching, and then some small group time. Since we do it outdoors there's always the potential for strangers to drop in and for distractions to occur. This past Wed we had some very out of the ordinary exchanges with the locals. In total i believe we interacted with 4, though i'm only going to speak on 2.

As we were closing the night i was talking to the group about prayer. The verse i read to them, the theme verse for my CSM experience, was Ephesians 3:20, which i've talked about before. It reads,
"Now all glory to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask of hope." I also shared this story:

On Monday as we were going on our prayer tour it looked like it was going to rain. So our group prayed for it to stop. And it did. The next day it was getting kind of hot, so one of my kids, Matt, was like, "i wish it would rain" I did. So we blamed him for the rain and since they were supposed to do the immersion that night i told them that we needed sun. He prayed for sun and the rains stopped.
So then the leader, also named Matt, jokes with student Matt saying, "You pray for rain and God answers. You pray for sun and, again, God answers. Why aren't you praying for bigger things?" To this, student Matt responds, "I am."
When i heard this, i was floored. We could either choose to simply discard this as strange New York weather, or we could believe that maybe God really did answer our prayers. So many times we limit what God can do. Or maybe for one reason or another, we're simply afraid of asking him to move. God is huge, but i don't think we are going to really understand how big he is unless we invite him to show us.

With that i challenged the groups to be praying for big things. And that if we give God the opportunity to work, he's going to show us how powerful he actually is. We closed with the song, From the Inside Out (which we've done every single week so far because the other interns always request it and supposedly one of the groups did today as well). That was a truly amazing time of worship. We were all in one giant circle in the middle of the boardwalk with people singing their hearts out, eyes closed, hand lifted up, focused on God. It was so free.

Right after i finished praying to close the night, a local man steps in. Carlos is very polite, tells us he's sorry for bothering us, and asks us if we can pray for something. One of his friends was murdered a couple weeks ago and he wanted us to pray for Kareem, i believe he said his friend was named. I tell him of course we can and i turn to our group of around 100 and ask for 3 people to pray for Carlos and Kareem. We get the three volunteers and i ask all of us to bring it in tight as we prepare to pray with this man. At this point Carlos begins to talk more about what happened and how he was feeling. Soon he becomes very animated in his speech. The anger at the injustice boils out. He talks about the stereotypes black people face, getting more and more heated as he continues. He sees people walking by that he thinks are staring at him and he starts yelling about how he doesn't care what they think and that he could shoot them if he wanted to. He says something along the lines of 'i'm thinking about sacrificing everything in order to take revenge.'

I really don't know what to say to him. All the groups are in close around us and their presence there makes it that much harder for me to know how to handle the situation. But even though he was getting very angry, and this could be poor judgment on my part but, i never actually felt threatened by him. I was worried about how the kids might react and how their leaders might be perceiving the situation but i just didn't think he was going to actually do anything to us.

At some point i give him the offer to pray for/with him again, but he continues to just talk. Here, one of our group's leaders steps forward. He tells Carlos that tonight he had been praying to God for someone. And that he had no idea it would be Carlos, that even when Carlos entered our circle that he hadn't known it was him (later he would tell me that when he saw Carlos with his big white T he was saying to God that this couldn't be it). But when Carlos began telling his story, the leader knew this was the one. He tells Carlos that we all sympathize with him and his friend and that we are people who care for and love them. He tells Carlos that we don't think the system and the stereotypes are right. We try and pray but it just doesn't seem like Carlos wants to pray with us.

Eventually Carlos simply leaves our circle without ever having allowed us to pray with him over this whole situation. As he walks away he notes that this might be the last time we ever see him again. Letting him walk away from us like that just didn't sit well with me. I can still remember most of what he said to us and i can definitely remember all that i said to him. I wanted that opportunity to pray with him. I wanted him to be able to recognize God and receive the kind of love and peace that only God can give. It never really seemed like he wanted to be there praying with us. It seems like what he needed was just people to talk to. Afterwards some of our people were just talking about how he needed to vent and we were that group that was to allow him that opportunity. Carlos did mention something about how he was glad he had the opportunity to vent because he wasn't sure what he might do to get out that frustration. So though we were unsatisfied with how things ended with him, we hope that we were able to be a light for him during this dark time and that hopefully God did use us to minister to him.

After Carlos leaves, we're all still a bit stunned from the entire exchange. We decide that we need to still spend some time praying for Carlos and his friend. As we're getting ready to pray, there's another man who had joined our circle who speaks up. He asks us if we're about to pray and if he could slide a prayer request in as well. Of course we say sure. He tells us that he just buried his mother today and as he begins to talk he starts crying. So we pray for Carlos and then get to pray with this man as well. This kind of takes me back to the verse i shared earlier this week in my last entry, from Acts 4:23-31, where after praying for boldness and for the Lord's healing power, the Holy Spirit falls and the believers began preaching with boldness.

This is basically what happened. When we prayed for big things God answered us. He allowed us to minister to broken people and then sent his Spirit to us. As we were praying people all over began to weep and you knew that the Holy Spirit was at work within us. God is crazy. You pray for big things and this is what you get. I feel like tonight we got a taste of what the church in Acts was like. I know that lives were touched and seeds were sown. The rest i leave in God's hands and i trust that he is going to continue the work that we got to see a tiny glimpse of this evening.

This is the (brief) article about the death of Carlos' friend. The title "this time he loses gunfight" enraged Carlos.

prayer

Last night I came across this passage (Acts 4:23-31). This takes place right after Peter and John were held in prison for preaching about Jesus after they healed a man who had been lame since birth. After the two men are finally released they return to their Christian brothers/sisters and pray to God:

"And now, O Lord, hear their threats, and give your servants great boldness in their preaching. Send your healing power; may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of your holy servant Jesus."
After their prayer, the building where they were meeting shook, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, And they preached God's message with boldness.

At CSM NY we take our students on a day-long prayer tour, which we say is about 7-8 miles but in actuality is more like 10 (some of our leaders have had those step-counters). On this prayer tour we go from Battery Park looking out at the Statue of Liberty, to China Town/Little Italy, to Times Square, to Harlem, to the Bronx, to 5th Ave, to the World Trade Center site, and finally to/across the Brooklyn Bridge (a little over a mile alone). The purpose of this prayer tour is to try and see the city with God's eyes and God's heart and to pray for the different things we encounter. And at the same time we are also hitting some of the major touristy sites and so it's a great time for our groups as well.

After reading that passage last night the concept of prayer was really on my heart today. And by the end of the day I had come to realize how in the past few weeks I have definitely been drifting away from prayer. Sometimes i get so caught up in doing what i've been trained to do that i forget to seek God's specific purpose for my every action. On the Prayer Tour, for example, i saw how many times i could get stuck on just giving the groups all the information that i'm supposed to give them or to have the directions all figured out, instead of simply carrying forth what the purpose of the Prayer Tour is--to pray for God's city.
This is something i hope to work on over the rest of my stay here. I want to really pursue God in prayer and to constantly be seeking his will for my life.

To close, i want to give glory to God for the gracious weather he provided us. It was supposed to rain today and it was sprinkling a little in the morning. If the rain got too bad we would have been forced to switch our prayer tour to a not-as-exciting one. The rainy-day one is no fun. So our group prayed for sun. And we got it. The hottest part of the day was at the end of our day as we were crossing the bridge. As we were making that journey some of the kids were joking around asking God to bring back the rains. This, however, was not funny to me. I'm from L.A. man, so you know I can't do rain.

a ny reality

Being from LA, 9/11 really didn't mean that much to me. I was a freshman when it happened, it couldn't have been more then a couple weeks into the semester. I believe it was the first late start we had when my mom woke me up and told me a plane crashed into a ny building. at first i thought she was talking about a movie she was watching and i was like, that's great. when i saw it i couldn't believe it. i remember i was playing football that year and i was like, 'what's the point of playing football when things like this are happening around the world?' i told my coaches there were some things i had to figure out and i didn't go to practice that week. i even missed one of the games. i also went to a couple prayer meetings. but that was the extent of my reaction to the event.

Being in NY now it is completely different. Every time i've gone down to the wtc site my heart beat slows and i almost seem to stop breathing. to think of the devastation, the lives lost, and the countless number of lives that were affected both with deaths and jobs. it's unbelievable. 7 years and we are still struggling to recover. there's a fire station right across from the site, and the last time we were down there one of its doors was up. i hadn't seen this happen on my previous visits and what i saw was a private memorial to their fallen comrades. This is the reality they live in. Whenever they leave that station they will see this memorial. Every time they look across the street i'm sure they think of their friends they have lost.

There's a church that's a couple blocks away called St. Paul's. In the aftermath of 9/11, caring people from throughout the nation who wanted to help stayed in the church. This church is real old and it is said that George Washington used to attend it back when the capitol was in NY. anyway, inside it's basically a giant memorial to 9/11 with a bunch of stations set up. one is of a bunch of origami. i hadn't known this before, but one of my kids read that the origami was from Japanese school children. this caught me by surprise for as i'm sure you can recall the actions carried out by America during WWII. Furthermore, in the church there's a giant banner that reads "Oklahoma loves you" and has the signatures of many. I hadn't realized the significance of this before, but this group was from Oklahoma and one of my kids was reminding me of the Oklahoma city bombings. While i was going on my strike against football i'm glad other people were actually extending a sympathetic hand.

show some appreciation

There's been something on my mind the last two days. I have two stories.

When groups come in one of the first things we do is go on a prayer tour. We take them around the city and have them engage in different activities, all the while praying for the city. One of the activities we have them do is to interview people about homelessness in Times Square. The reason we do this in Times Square is because with all there is to be distracted with it becomes easy to forget about those in need. So one of our groups decided to interview those UHO (United Homeless Organization) people who have booths on the street collecting money to give to the homeless. They figured, these people are collecting money so they have to have something to say about homeless. Instead, they found no answers are were directed to talk to other, supposed, "managers." It seemed kind of sketchy. After a quick search on UHO it does look pretty sketch.

Next, we came across a guy playing his bass on the street. We were across the way so we couldn't really always see what was going on but we were there for at least 10 minutes waiting on some group members. Whenever anyone would stop and listen to him he would pause and point at his bucket, indicating to the listener to donate money. This was okay. Then when one lady took a picture of him and began to walk away he jumped up and yelled, "HEY! SHOW SOME APPRECIATION!" The lady refused and the man continued to yell at her until she finally crossed the street. Back on our side of the street one of our boys actually did take a picture of him as well. And i'm pretty sure he saw this because he got up and started staring our way.

I'm not telling these stories because i want you to distrust the people on the street. Although, i'm not gonna lie. When i encounter people like this it makes me want to be skeptical of every person i encounter especially if they're asking for help. It also makes me feel like all they want is to use me for my money. I don't want to help these people. At times my thoughts go further then just ignoring them but hoping that they would somehow get what they deserve for what they are doing.

Needless to say, my capacity to love is about as great as the little puddles after it rains, whereas Jesus' love is the rain that fills my puddle (it was raining today. it's summer. why is it still raining? ny weather makes no sense.). One of the theme verses for this year at CSM comes from Luke 4:18-19:
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the downtrodden will be freed from their oppressors, and that the time of hte Lord's favor has come."
If Jesus were here would he be angry at these people? Maybe. Would he ever stop helping them or doing all that he could to give them what they need? Probably not. This is where i fall short. I have my image of justice and i determine what i feel like is a worthy cause. I need Christ's love to consume me or else there is no way i could continue to pursue the life he has called me to.

welcome to new york

this is the best group photo currently available off facebook. we obviously love NY

So this summer I'm in New York working for Center for Student Missions (CSM). What happens is different your groups throughout the nation come to CSM for a week and my job is take them around the city, teach them about the city and about God's heart for the poor, and connect them with the different inner-city organizations that we partner with. We've been training for the last two weeks and our very first group is due to arrive in a couple hours. It's gonna be crazy. I feel kind of unprepared but that's okay. We've been having a great time these last two weeks. All the interns (there's 8 of us) are real tight. And we have people from all over the states [oregon, pennsylvania, texas, michigan, virginia, new york, and guyana]. It's been a lot of fun and there are already a lot of great stories. I'm gonna hold have to save the stories for another time but i do want to share some verses that have really been speaking to me over my stay here thus far.

Ephesians 3:19 - "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it."
Ephesians 3:20 - "By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask of hope."

God is huge. His love for us is greater than we will ever be able to understand. And his power is greater than we could even fathom. But to see his power we must ask him to show it to us. The more we seek after him and the more we ask him to reveal himself to us, the more we will see and come to understand of him.

I'm coming to realize how important having an open heart to God is. My biggest problem is that i always want to get what i feel like i'm entitled to. So when i don't get what i think i deserve or want, i get angry. This causes me to lose sight of what's important and of the life i have been called to. I just get too caught up in my own desires that i don't really try to listen to what God's trying to tell me. I feel like this is the greatest obstacle to me asking to see God move. When i get in a state like this sometimes i become too content in how i'm behaving, or too blind to realize how i am behaving, and i refuse to acknowledge God's desires in those situations.

My prayer for this summer is that God would really break me down. That i would be able to open myself more to him and allow him into the areas of my life that i have tried to keep him out of. And that he would not allow me to continue to run in my ignorance.

Song of the semester/year: In Your Freedom, by Hillsong United