we the redeemed

i went on a retreat with Jubilee church last weekend. it was so amazing. first of all, i gotta say that my time in korea has been pretty hard. i've struggled to follow god. i would say that when i was coming out to korea, i had a lot of hope for what could happen. i wanted to experience life and to experience god in new ways. after coming here though, i slowly began to turn away from god. i came to a point where my heart had just become hard towards god. a month ago, when i heard about this retreat, i knew i had to do it. i knew this was the kind of thing that i needed - to get away for a weekend and to spend it with loving people and to try and find god again. although i wasn't necessarily excited about going, or even really looking forward to it, i knew that i needed this.

the weekend was crazy. long story short, i had essentially forgotten about my experiences of god. there have been certain things that have happened in my life that, for me, absolutely force me to believe that god exists. i have seen crazy things happen. i myself have been healed in more than one way. my experiences of god are why i know that god is real and that he loves me.

at one point during this weekend, i feel like god pierced through my hardened heart. he softened it so that i could feel him again. and in that moment, i felt so ashamed. i couldn't believe that i had fallen to where i had. how could i have turned my back to god when i have had such powerful experiences of him? i couldn't believe that i could let my relationship with god deteriorate to the point that it did.

one of the reasons why this could happen is because i didn't take all of my actions seriously. i thought that as long as i was doing okay on the whole, that things would be fine. what i didn't realize was that every small step i took away from god would add up until i was so far away that i could no longer see him. this really is a daily battle isn't it? every decision, every action or inaction, matters.

glory to god though! he never gives up on us. and no matter what we do, or don't do, he can redeem us. there is this song that jubilee loves to play - it's called "we the redeemed," by hillsong. every time i hear this song, i am floored. to know that god would still chase after me even when i consciously choose to run away.. that is ridiculous. i know that god is real. it's time for me to really live like it.